Jackie: I don't know how much my cat loves me, or how much she is hoping that I will give her a saltine.

Jackie: Just overheard a legitimate conversation along the lines of, "I don't think Jesus cares if I like your Facebook post. I know he loves me."

Maria: Is that why you only like my posts instead of commenting on them? Because you know Jesus loves you?

Jackie: Yes.

Jackie: Just saw Santa driving a green convertible around town. And that was not an autocorrect.

Maria: Watching Pokemon with the little brother. In this episode, a Poochyena won't evolve. He needs to be whipped.

Jackie: Yes!

Maria: "But everyone knows that evolving makes a Pokemon stronger!" This kid is our spirit animal.

later.

Maria: HE FINALLY EVOLVED. No thanks to Ash's sabotage.

Jackie: Good for Poochyena, the little bitch. :P

Jackie: You've got me overthinking song lyrics. If it really was the best song ever, how does he not remember the words? And if he can't remember the best song ever, how does he expect to remember this girl?

Maria: Weirdly, he remembers quite a bit about her. Like her name and her dad's job. BUT NOT THE SONG AHHH. And if you're going to overthink songs, will you PLEASE explain to me what "Hurricane" is all about? Is their relationship the hurricane? Or is it life in general? I still don't know.

Jackie: I read it as their relationship and that she has a false sense of safety and security.

Maria: That's what I initially thought too, but why is the song so happy? And why is she staying in such a bad relationship if she knows it's a hurricane?

Jackie: Maybe it's like she is really an omnipresent narrator; the real her think the storm is over and the omnipresent her is like, "Uh uh, watch out!"

Maria: This song is way, WAY, deeper than I thought it was.

Later.

Jackie: Maybe the best song ever  is about how it was really a totally random song but he thinks it's the best because it was paired with her.

Maria: First day of school! First day of school!

Jackie: Don't forget to brush with the anemone!

Maria: My vague hatred for your dog depriving me of time spent with you should definitively prove that I do in fact love you more than I love him.

Jackie: It's funny how many vacuums she (client) owns. As if buying them will incline her to clean.

Maria: Totally an animal hoarder.

Jackie: I should write a book.

Maria: "How to Tell if You're an Animal Hoarder"

Later.

Maria: I have already written out the dedication you're going to put to me in your animal hoarding book!

Jackie: "To Maria, who kept me from needing to write this book much sooner."

Maria: YES. That's exactly what I thought it should say.

Can someone Please Tell me what this Cloud is Shaped Like, I still Don't Understand

Maria: http://www.ladailypost.com/content/interesting-cloud-spotted-over-mcdonalds-0#overlay-context=content/hi-signs-saturdays-fair-and-rodeo-parade
I am very confused.

Jackie: So was I. After staring for a while I found that it looks like a camel and a very large turtle, profile, standing foot to foot.

Maria: Oh, okay, I can kind of see that. Still very peculiar. Do you think I should consider sending in pictures of all "vaguely odd-shaped" clouds to the daily post?

Jackie: You should send them in!

Maria: "I think this cloud looks like a blob. But a unique and interesting blob. I affirm you, blob-shaped cloud!"

JOURNALISM.

Maria: IMAGINE that One Direction hears us singing Vertigo's versions of songs and they like the songs so much that they sing covers of the songs using our lyrics!

Jackie: LIKE.

(We've just discovered "One Direction Imagines." We think they're hilarious and it's our new favorite thing to do, making ridiculous ones.)

(We do this thing where we write song lyrics as if Jackie's dog was singing them. This one is "Breakeven.")

Maria: "What is self supposed to do when the largest bone is given to you? What is self to say when Penny is so most stuffed and self's empty? The bone is in pieces, yes. The bone is in pieces...'Cause when a bone breaks it does not break even." TELL ME I CAN WIN A GRAMMY FOR THAT.

Jackie: YES.

Maria: So you're telling me that my classy new apartment does not need Disney princess pillow cases?

Jackie: It would just not match the colors :(

Maria: Too true :( All that pink and powder blue...

(Discussing a new young adult novel that is a lesbian, contemporary re-telling of The Great Gatsby and in which Jackie's real name is a titular character)

Maria: Don't be too worried. Be worried that it appears as though my subconscious willed this book into existence. We're in for some fucked up things, yo. More fucked up than lesbian Gatsby. 

Maria: There is a rubber duck in my trashcan and I swear I am not making this up

Jackie: But why?

Maria: I don't even know :(

Maria: Remember that all the interviewee's answers to your questions should contain the use of a tranquilizer gun.

Jackie: But of course!

Maria: Why don't we call a group of kangaroos a "kangacrew?"

Jackie: Let's start the trend.

Maria: We've all got bruises <3 In my case I have one on my upper thigh that I *think* I got from running into a table.

Jackie: Little Sister found bruises that she had no idea where they came from. Then I tried to create a bruise on my leg by poking it over and over. It didn't work.

Maria: I don't even know what to say about that. Why did you try to create a bruise? Was it so that Train's song could relate to you? Should we try to become mermaids next? Where is the sea witch when you need her?!

Maria: Got stuck driving behind the orange trolley. Hell.

Maria: You literally missed waving to me as our cars passed each other because you were texting me :P I was texting you "stop texting and wave at me!" when I got your message lol.

Maria: Five dollar bag day at the thrift shop means I bought more Sweet Valley High books. But also chairs!

Maria: I have a problem.

Jackie: You have so many problems :P

Maria: Thank you, dear best friend of mine. And after I so courteously bought you new mugs!

Maria: I didn't realize how tipsy I was until I couldn't open the bathroom door

Jackie: I think when you are unable to open doors you would call that drunk

Maria: I pulled when I should have pushed :(

Maria: So, I just forgot which lever works my turn signals so I maybe just turned on my windshield wipers.

Maria: I think the pants I'm wearing are bad luck, btw. Unlucky and lucky pieces of clothing are totally a thing.

Jackie: Yes. Yes they are. You need to give them away. Bad luck for one is good luck for another.

Maria: I like how emphatically you responded and you don't even know what pants I'm wearing!

Jackie: Well no matter how good they might look on you they are bad luck.

Maria: I'm a bit concerned you think I'm talking about my yoga pants. I WILL NEVER GIVE THEM UP.

Jackie: You are welcome to give those away at any time too. Or burn them. But as long as you never get floral print jeans it will be okay.

Maria: Haha, I saw a GORGEOUS pair of printed jeans on vacation! On a person. "I will give you ten dollars for your pants!" I really wanted to say. I resisted. But my heart cried.

Maria: THERE IS A MOTH IN MY BEDROOM AND I THINK I AM GOING TO DIE

Jackie: Did you know that the Chinese, as a culture, are afraid of moths?

Maria: Let's all take a moment to congratulate me on winning the award for most times accidentally drunk.

Jackie: It's like the Oscar for rich white kids!